As of today, I am officially a homeschooling mama. It’s something I’ve been considering since before Henry was born, and I remember saying to people even when he was a baby that I thought he would be homeschooled, but when people asked why, I didn’t know how to answer them. Now I have my answer.
We tried school, several different schools, in fact. Each
time we found there was one or more children creating a negative social
atmosphere that affected Henry to the point that it seriously affected him
emotionally and we felt we had to remove him from the situation. Of course, in
retrospect, I wish I had had the confidence to homeschool from the very
beginning, but Henry is an extremely social child, and at the time, Jude and
Felix were so little, so I was largely confined to the house for naptimes, and
felt I wasn’t able to give Henry what he needed in terms of interaction with
the outside world, so school seemed like a good solution, even if only until
the little guys got bigger.
It turns out that Henry’s personality is a very interesting
and I think pretty unique combination of being very extroverted/social and also
quite sensitive. None of his teachers have understood this about him, though I
made a point to explain it to each of them at the beginning of each school
year, as well as throughout the year as issues arose. Through these school
experiences, I have come to realize that although he needs a good amount of
social interaction, it’s best for him when I’m there to observe and help out
when needed. Also, now that his brothers are older and are becoming viable
playmates, he’s quite content to play at home much of the time with them
instead of constantly thinking about other kids to play with.
I had really hoped we could make it through this year, but
unfortunately there are several kids in Henry’s class who are bullying and
teasing many of the kids, including Henry. He was coming home from school an
emotional mess, and he was a different child on school vs. non-school days.
After school, he was rude, disrespectful, aggressive, had frequent meltdowns,
and complained often of stomachaches. In the past few weeks, he had even begun
to make statements like “I’m a stupid dummyhead,” “I wish I had never been
born,” “Don’t touch me, I don’t exist,” and he was also hitting himself in the
head occasionally. It was awful. I shared my concerns with the teacher and
director several times throughout the fall, and at a meeting in mid-January and
again in mid-February. They responded defensively and didn’t make any changes that
would help Henry be more successful and feel better about himself. In fact,
they pretty much said they didn’t believe me because they weren’t seeing these
issues at school, and intimated that I must be doing something wrong at home to
set him off after school.
I agonized over the decision to pull him out, but after
consulting with many friends and professionals, we had finally decided on
Saturday it needed to happen. I had bought myself some time by telling him it’s
spring break this week (although it’s really next week), and was feeling pretty
anxious about how to tell him he wasn’t gong back. (Even despite all of the
adversity, he insisted he wanted to keep going. A child psychologist who knows
him well said that didn’t surprise him at all, because Henry is eternally
optimistic and always sees the best in people, so he really woke up every
morning expecting the situation to improve.)
And then, yesterday, I witnessed the most incredible
catharsis. Something I’ve noticed that really improves the dynamic in our
relationship is taking him out for some one on one time, especially to get him
new art supplies. I took him out for the afternoon, and as we had lunch and ran
errands together, he talked through all his feelings about school (he brought
it up, not me) and came to the conclusion himself, without me hardly saying
anything other than validating and affirming his feelings, that he does not
want to return to school. It was amazing to see how he talked and worked though
the issue.
At the craft store, he had chosen to spend some of his
allowance money on a notebook that has a special pen and paper that looks
rainbow-y when you write on it. He proceeded to make a series of drawings, each
one labeled thus:
Page 1: I love my mommy, Felix, Jude, daddy
Page 2: I like my friends (he drew a picture of 4 people he
considers to be his “real” friends, not the kids at school who were being mean
to him)
Page 3: I love Daddy
Page 4: I love Mommy
Page 5: I love Jude
Page 6: I love Felix
Page 7: I love my self
Page 8: I love my home
Page 9: Bullies are going to be punched in the face.
I think that says it all.
Although I’m disappointed that we weren’t able to work
things out with the school, I think this was a great learning experience for
Henry about who your true friends are, what makes a person a good friend, and
when a person really isn’t your friend. The pictures he drew last night show
he’s really clear on that. And I’m thrilled to have my sweet boy back.
Love. :)
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