Homeschooling, Day One.

As of today, I am officially a homeschooling mama. It’s something I’ve been considering since before Henry was born, and I remember saying to people even when he was a baby that I thought he would be homeschooled, but when people asked why, I didn’t know how to answer them. Now I have my answer.

We tried school, several different schools, in fact. Each time we found there was one or more children creating a negative social atmosphere that affected Henry to the point that it seriously affected him emotionally and we felt we had to remove him from the situation. Of course, in retrospect, I wish I had had the confidence to homeschool from the very beginning, but Henry is an extremely social child, and at the time, Jude and Felix were so little, so I was largely confined to the house for naptimes, and felt I wasn’t able to give Henry what he needed in terms of interaction with the outside world, so school seemed like a good solution, even if only until the little guys got bigger.

It turns out that Henry’s personality is a very interesting and I think pretty unique combination of being very extroverted/social and also quite sensitive. None of his teachers have understood this about him, though I made a point to explain it to each of them at the beginning of each school year, as well as throughout the year as issues arose. Through these school experiences, I have come to realize that although he needs a good amount of social interaction, it’s best for him when I’m there to observe and help out when needed. Also, now that his brothers are older and are becoming viable playmates, he’s quite content to play at home much of the time with them instead of constantly thinking about other kids to play with.

I had really hoped we could make it through this year, but unfortunately there are several kids in Henry’s class who are bullying and teasing many of the kids, including Henry. He was coming home from school an emotional mess, and he was a different child on school vs. non-school days. After school, he was rude, disrespectful, aggressive, had frequent meltdowns, and complained often of stomachaches. In the past few weeks, he had even begun to make statements like “I’m a stupid dummyhead,” “I wish I had never been born,” “Don’t touch me, I don’t exist,” and he was also hitting himself in the head occasionally. It was awful. I shared my concerns with the teacher and director several times throughout the fall, and at a meeting in mid-January and again in mid-February. They responded defensively and didn’t make any changes that would help Henry be more successful and feel better about himself. In fact, they pretty much said they didn’t believe me because they weren’t seeing these issues at school, and intimated that I must be doing something wrong at home to set him off after school.

I agonized over the decision to pull him out, but after consulting with many friends and professionals, we had finally decided on Saturday it needed to happen. I had bought myself some time by telling him it’s spring break this week (although it’s really next week), and was feeling pretty anxious about how to tell him he wasn’t gong back. (Even despite all of the adversity, he insisted he wanted to keep going. A child psychologist who knows him well said that didn’t surprise him at all, because Henry is eternally optimistic and always sees the best in people, so he really woke up every morning expecting the situation to improve.)

And then, yesterday, I witnessed the most incredible catharsis. Something I’ve noticed that really improves the dynamic in our relationship is taking him out for some one on one time, especially to get him new art supplies. I took him out for the afternoon, and as we had lunch and ran errands together, he talked through all his feelings about school (he brought it up, not me) and came to the conclusion himself, without me hardly saying anything other than validating and affirming his feelings, that he does not want to return to school. It was amazing to see how he talked and worked though the issue.

At the craft store, he had chosen to spend some of his allowance money on a notebook that has a special pen and paper that looks rainbow-y when you write on it. He proceeded to make a series of drawings, each one labeled thus:

Page 1: I love my mommy, Felix, Jude, daddy

Page 2: I like my friends (he drew a picture of 4 people he considers to be his “real” friends, not the kids at school who were being mean to him)

Page 3: I love Daddy

Page 4: I love Mommy

Page 5: I love Jude

Page 6: I love Felix

Page 7: I love my self

Page 8: I love my home

Page 9: Bullies are going to be punched in the face.

I think that says it all.

Although I’m disappointed that we weren’t able to work things out with the school, I think this was a great learning experience for Henry about who your true friends are, what makes a person a good friend, and when a person really isn’t your friend. The pictures he drew last night show he’s really clear on that. And I’m thrilled to have my sweet boy back.