Thursday, October 14, 2010

A Dream Come True

There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with my children full-time, especially while they are young. However, as Dan and I faced the decision whether to have a child the year he was applying to PhD programs or wait several years until he was finished, I was faced with the reality that I would have to work at least part-time in order for us to survive. I made that choice, not knowing at the time how difficult, and at times, excruciatingly painful, it would be. I have worked part-time - about 15-20 hours a week on average - since Henry was 4 months old. Rather than return to teaching, I started a private practice facilitating social groups for children with Autism and Asperger's. The first year was the most difficult: trying to balance being a new mom while trying to get my practice up and running - pumping, rushing home to nurse and see him before bedtime, etc. was very difficult. I was working 7 days a week (although only a few hours a day) that year. Fortunately, since then I've been able to consolidate my work to one afternoon/week, 1-2 mornings/week, and all day Saturdays. Everyone always tells me (including other mothers) how ideal my work situation is, how lucky I am, how many women dream of the kind of schedule I have. Nevertheless, after 3.5 years, I still find it difficult to leave my children each and every time I go to work. I have to steel myself against my emotions (which is really hard to do when you're pregnant and/or nursing!) in order to focus on the work that needs to be done. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy my work very much and care deeply about the children I work with. It is good and meaningful work; work that needs to be done. But my heart, mind, and body are always with my family no matter where I am or what I am doing. Working "outside the home" has made me feel spread thin, divided in attention and focus when all I want is to dedicate my whole self to my family. I don't know if I will always feel this way; when my children are older and not so dependent on me, I might feel more able and willing to pursue other activities, but right now while I am exhausted, sleep-deprived, pregnant, nursing, and caring for these rapidly multiplying little ones, I feel it's all I can manage, and I also think I could do a much better job at it if I didn't have to pull away from them several times a week.

So my struggle since becoming a mother has been coming to terms with the fact that I work part-time instead of being fully "at home" as I would like to. I go through ups and downs, always striving for contentment, but often not doing very well at it. I never saw a way for me to work less than I am, but all of a sudden it's becoming a reality. I woke up one morning in mid-September and decided that I need to take a step back from my social groups. I decided to hire someone I could train to basically be me (i.e. the facilitator) every Saturday. I would continue to do all the administrative work like billing, advertising, contacting new clients and setting up intake meetings, etc., but this way I would only need to attend the groups about once a month to check in. I contacted everyone who might know of a qualified individual and found someone immediately. I spoke with her on the phone that afternoon and knew she was "the one." I couldn't believe that within 12 hours of making this decision, I had found someone! My next area of focus was the weekdays - currently I am working Tues/Thurs mornings and Wednesday afternoons, and it feels like a lot, but the clients (twin girls with Asperger's) I see every week mean a lot to me as I've been seeing them for over 3 years. Then, yesterday, the girls' mother told me that she won't be able to continue. It turns out her parents had been funding the therapy, and following her father's death in August, her mother said she wasn't able to pay for it anymore. As sad as I am to lose them as a client, I am also relieved. I never could have stopped seeing them of my own volition because the income was significant to us, but with a little rearranging, we will be fine without it, and I am thrilled to be home every afternoon and evening of the week! The final piece in reducing my workload is cutting down my work mornings to only once a week. I had been reticent to do this as our babysitter is wonderful and I know she counts on the income, but with the loss of this client I have no choice but to go down to one morning per week. November 10 is my last day with the girls, and November 20 is the last day I am facilitating my social groups. Starting the week after Thanksgiving, I will only be working one morning per week!!!!!!!!!

Truly, all I can say is...
Thanks be to God.

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